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buddhism ? # =
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15 Aug 2002 / 6:43 p.m.
.:  avoidance

i haven't been very good about posting here recently. journals are cyclical for me, for a lot of people, really. i've been in limbo for quite a bit longer than i expected. i haven't worked since april 5, and finally had to admit to myself that yes, that bothers me. it's not so much a question of deriving self-worth from work: i am not my job. it is, however, about having to live on the backs of others. i don't like collecting unemployment. avoiding the issue makes it bigger. i can't really afford to let it get much bigger.

i've decided to give up some things, cut back on others, refocus, and so on. i'm not planning on giving up writing here; i really can't. putting my head out here seems to help me track what's going on a bit better. it's a record for me. it reminds me of how i feel about things and people.

i am going to back off on how much i update though. i don't want to force updates. right now, they feel forced.

i will try to update at least once a week. if i fall too far below that then i tend to forget this thing exists.

despite all the time i've spent poking around in my head, i still get outside and look at plants and buildings and sky. it reminds me of why i have to put everything else in order.

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