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15 Jun 2002 / 12:24 a.m.
.:  semaphores

tonight i had to pretend i was more mature than i really am.

the circumstances really aren't that important to relay. everyone at some point has to play that role.

i am almost 27. culturally speaking, i am a man. male /self-sufficient / treated like an adult by other adults. i don't feel like a man. what i mean is that it is not my gestalt mentality. i am a cub scout, a boy, a kid. that is my ground state. it is unnatural, but it's comfortable.

sometimes,i feel like a man. when i do something strong: standing up to abusive fathers of girlfriends. protection of others. knowing answers. stoic moments.

when i am in my natural state, i am emotive. i think about things and have no answers. i ask questions and don't expect replys. this is why i say i feel like a boy.

when you peel and peel and look inside your head and heart, and think about it, sometimes you find how deep culture runs. how it defines us in the deepest ways.

this isn't a novel idea. here is why it is important to me right now: there is knowing something, and there is knowing something.

language is no more communication than a map is a road trip.

still, nice to have a map.

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