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25 Mar 2002 / 12:26 a.m.
.:  a knot, worked out.

i tend to get obsessed with dates. i hurl myself at one after the other, setting goals and making lists and plans and contingencies. since i am jobless, sort of (but not entirely) unexpectedly, i have been ocillating in between something like joy and something like panic. the joy comes from freedom - a chance to burn the plans from before and come up with something a little more inspired than the last few years. the panic kicks in when i start worrying that i won't get the inspiration, or that if i do find it i won't have the balls to see it through.

so for now i plan b and plan c ad nauseam, just in case i can't get my courage together or the logistics are fucked up and portland doesn't happen. i go off half-cocked to my friends, to kellie and rick and dave and josh and any other poor bastard that happens to be handy - i tell them my latest scheme, most of which are ill-conceived, and they indulge me because they know i get sort of manic when i'm stressed.

it will work out, one way or another - i have too many safety nets to really get fucked. i can stand to live by my wits for a while; i have done this before, and i remember every day of it. the last two years i don't remember, because so little has happened. it's come easy. i want things to come hard for a while.

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