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08 Feb 2002 / 3:34 p.m.
.:  transit

this is going to be very disjointed because i am very disjointed right now.

...

this was a rapid transit week. things and people came and went, and i've been trying to hold things and people together.

earlier this week a drug addict took up residence on our couch. agressive and sketchy. his eyes and hands move way too fast and without much direction. i am a slow person and this is unnerving. also, i worry when i have easy access to certain drugs - ones that very nearly killed me several times over years ago. he asks about them, about fixing, how he just wants to move enough to get on his feet. he doesn't really listen when people talk to him, so i don't say anything. "can't help you, man" - sometimes i say that. he's an old friend of two of the people that live in our house, and there's a lot of pain over this right now. no one wants to put him on the street or send him to the mission. no one wants to deal with cops or a drug addict either. under the fronts he puts up, the fronting and manipulation, you can see man under the drugs. he's decent, honest to a fault, and loyal. this makes throwing him out that much more difficult, but no less necessary.

something else came out of this:

kellie and the drug addict know each other from years ago. he is the cousin of one of her dearest friends. kellie lost touch with paula after college. he tells kellie that paula committed suicide two years ago. kellie talked to me about it last night. she told me about her friend, about adventures and living and planning for the future. she told me how she thought paula died, how she was brazen and rushed into everything - and how it wasn't surprising that she'd rush into death. she told about what she wanted to say to her when she visits her grave in Smith Valley. she cried some, but kellie doesn't cry much.

paula's death reminds me that kellie is one of the bravest people i know. i don't think many of her friends know just how brave she is.

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